Anabelle’s Story

I am from Chinese Malay-background. My mom is Chinese and my dad is Malay. They brought me up in the Muslim faith. They tried their best. They sent me to the mosque to learn how to read the  Al-Qur’an.

And I went, very frequent, to the mosque to study. But because most of the time it is just reading in Arabic. So they don’t really stress on the meaning of what we’re reading, but they stress more on how you read it in Arabic. And I don’t know Arabic at all, so it’s just a sing-along thing for me, every time I go, and good friends, and good food – so I go. So it’s more for fellowship.

My mom didn’t let me fast when I was younger, because Malays start fasting from the age of seven, and they’ll start slow. But my mom, she waited ’til I was 14, because she said that, you know, kids need to grow [laughs]. They need to eat food. And so I did fasting when I was older.

And all of these things that I do – fasting, praying – I did it just because we had to do it. I did know that there was a God. I didn’t really know what kind of God He is. All I know is that you got to be good, because that’s what they teach you from young. You got to be good. You can’t lie, and things like that, which is something very normal for me. I was very good at lying when I was younger [laughs]. Making stories was one of my favorite things to do when I was younger.

So just going through the motions in Islam is very interesting. Going through, I follow my mom sometimes for Malay zakir, where they have chants, and you say like [religious chanting] “God is great, ” over and over again. I think my mom tries her best to understand Islam, and to be a good Muslim wife.

My dad also, he’s just a normal Muslim guy. He tries his best also, to teach my mom and myself. Somehow, their relationship didn’t work out. They actually broke up when I was 14. My parents’ breakup was really hard on my brother and I. That’s when times got very trying, especially since you’re in the middle [laughs]. You know, tell your father this, and then, tell your mom that, and things like that.

My mom actually kind of lost her faith in Islam, because of my dad. She converted mainly because my dad convinced her that Islam is very similar to Christianity. My mom was from a Christian family. She was not a Church-goer, but she did learn the gospels in school. It was just like history to her.

My dad convinced her that the husband is the bridge to heaven [laughs]. My mom is a very spiritual person, and when she broke up she was really upset with Islam. And I was very afraid, because I said don’t judge the religion by the man [laughs]. Because the religion is different, and the man is different.

But when I grew up myself, my hate for my dad grew, because I was my mom’s best friend [laughs]. And to see her hurt and upset was really sad, to see her in that situation. And I began to hate my dad more, because I just wished he could have been more understanding. But my dad is not a bad person, it’s just that I think he himself didn’t come from a strong family structure. So he doesn’t know how to care.

Their relationship was to a point that my mom doesn’t speak to my dad. And I also, to one point I couldn’t take it anymore, that I decided to hate my dad, to the point that I think he is dead in my life. That’s how much I was disappointed to him.

So actually, that hate is very strong. Now, I realize what hate can do. It actually made me into a very bitter person. Also a very short-tempered person [laughs].

As I was growing up, as I went to university, I also tried to be more Islamic, tried to be more religious, because I’m getting bigger, I am going to be going to university, I’m going to be far away from mom. So I started to, OK, you know you got to learn. And so I started praying five times a day.

In the university, they actually talk a lot about the woman covering. They say that you’ve got to cover yourself. That is what is needed in Islam. It is written that you have to cover yourself. Being drummed for one week of talks and speech, I said, OK, I’ll give it a go, and I’ll try it out.

But the thing about wearing the tudong is that you put on outer garment so that you’re trying to say “I’m holy, ” like, I’m religious, I’m practicing the faith [laughs]. Actually it’s very stressful, ’cause you really got to match up to that. I know deep down inside that I’m a hypocrite. And this scarf, this tudong, just proves it even more.

It kind of convicts me inside that I took off the tudong after six months intensively wearing it everywhere. Actually, my mom couldn’t understand why, but she just told me that what’s inside is more important than what’s outside – your heart.

When I took off, because I felt really guilty wearing the tudong, I felt that I was not worthy of wearing it. Surprisingly, those friends whom I was very close to, they actually deserted me, ’cause they also wear the scarf as well. Most of them, 90 over percent of them, I think just want to be accepted, basically also. One of the reasons.

And when I took it off, and they left me, they called me “apostate” – a “murtad” in Malay – and I was just so hurt. I thought they were my friends. Seems like this cloth is more meaningful to them than me [laughs]. That was pretty sad, as well, for me.

And as I grew older, I started working. Life got tough. Actually, at one point I realized that, you know what, there’s no point praying [laughs] the five times a day, because sometimes I feel like I am not good enough to come before God. Because I know I’ve done so much wrong things, and I just don’t feel worthy to come before Him in prayer.

Mainly because I also don’t understand prayers. I think it’s just a religious thing that you do, and you don’t understand it. It has no meaning. You don’t feel anything. So, I stopped praying, but I still fasted.

Every night before I sleep, I make sure I will say a simple prayer in my own language, in English. And I always say the Al-Fatiha. I always ask God to show me the right path, the straight path. And I will pray for my mom and for my brother, and then I’ll say Amin and I’ll go to sleep. So I still pray, that way, but it’s a tape recorder prayer every night.

But then as my life got tougher everything that I depended on, on my mom… I depended on my, then my boyfriend. My relationship with my mom got worse. My relationship with my boyfriend, which we were supposed to be engaged, didn’t happen. And I was really busy at work. Studying as well. And life was just too much for me. And everything that I worked for in my career, it just never seemed to move or to be, to go anywhere.

So I became very disappointed and felt that even though you work so hard life has no meaning. The more you earn, the more you spend. [laughs] There’s no meaning. And I just felt like life is just like a cycle. You go to work every day and you come back and then, you know, one day you’re going to maybe get married, and then get children, grow old, and die. And I was like, how disappointing is that? [laughs] So predictable. So life was really down.

But, at that time I knew that my mom had been a ‘seeker’ for a very long time. Ever since my, even before she separated with my dad. Now I came to know that she believes in Christ. And I was like, “Oh great.” [laughs] “Of all the religion” I said, “You’ve got to choose Christianity, because Christianity is the number one no-no to Islam.” And I said, “What are you doing? Don’t you care for us, me and my brother? What’s our family going to say?” I said, “What’s my friends… what’s people going to say?” I was more bothered about what people are going to say, than what God has to say. [laughs] Not now that I know. So anyway, I just said, “Oh, she’s just gone into one of her other religions that she’s into right now.” And so I really didn’t believe in Him.

And then I had a friend in my workplace. She was the secretary to my boss. And she was a very nice lady. I’ve never met anyone like her before. She’s very friendly. She has a stern face, but she’s very friendly. So you can imagine. I was very afraid of her at one point. I came to know that she was Christian. I liked her very much, so I didn’t mind. I’m actually very open to everyone. I befriend everybody. I’m not racist or anything. She started sharing with me her testimony. Actually I liked her very much just as a person. Whether if she’s a Christian or not. But I just liked her very much.

She’s a very good friend, and very honest, no-nonsense kind of person. And I really like that character in her, and I want to be like that. I said, “I want to be like her.” I asked so many questions. And then she said, “I was not like this before.” The way she talked, she was very harsh, and things like that. But she’s changed. And I said, “I can’t believe it.” And then she started sharing testimony with me. She also passed me some CDs of other people’s testimonies, and I listened to them.

But, what really got me going was my younger brother. My mom told me that he too believes in Christ. I was just… OK this is way too much. That’s it. I called him up. He was at the University. I called him, and started talking. And I said, “So I heard, mom told me that you believe in Christ.” He said, “Oh you know mom.” He was trying to cover up. And I said, “You don’t just believe whatever people tell you.” I said, “You’ve got to read it for yourself. You think about it. And then you believe.”

So I was convicted because I told him that. [laughs] So I went back, and I actually flipped open my mom’s Bible and I went to Genesis. OK, I asked, “What is all this thing about? I need to know.” So I read through Genesis…and I was like. I read through the fall and everything. And I actually understood, because it was in English. And then it dawned upon me. I was like, you know what. I actually understand this. Now I understand why we are all so fallen, it was from the beginning. So my curiosity just doubled.

Also at that time I had another childhood friend who, out of the blue, for so long we have not contacted each other, he calls up, ” Hey you want to go for, meet up for dinner, it’s been a long time.” So he comes up with his sister, it’s rare that friends come to you to have dinner. It’ always you have to meet them somewhere. And I was very grateful that Dave could come and see me, and make all that effort, and to have dinner, and just to have a good time, and before they left he said, “can we pray for you.” Normally, I would say don’t bother because you pray for yourself and I’ll pray for myself, why do you want to pray for me. I was very… like that last time, you know I would laugh at even if you want to pray for me because yeah, you pray for yourself.

But then at the time I was really going through a very tough time and I think God knew and he send me all these wonderful people and I said, “yes pray for me I need all the prayers.” So the first time in my life I ever heard one pray for me. Pray. And I listened to their prayers and I was like wow it’s really nice that they are praying for me. And so that got me thinking that you know what I want to know more about this. I want to know about Christianity.

So I went to my friend at work and I just sat there in front of her and I said, “How is it if somebody wants to convert into Christianity. Does that person need to go to a church then meet a priest or anything like that.” And she says, “No. Anyone who is a true believer goes with you through the sinner’s prayer and you are believer.” Instantly I said, “Can you convert me.” Of course I know it’s the Holy Spirit converting you know but then I thought it was [laughter]… and yeah that’s how it was. That’s how it happened.

And God has been very good, he has put people around me to ensure that I grow correctly and then I go in the right direction. I have actually been to a larger church before but it was tough being in there, big church, because of whom we are, our identity. We can’t even make friends in fear of whom we are going to be speaking to and who they are going to be speaking to. So I decided to come to a smaller meeting where people understand you and it’s more protected in that sense.

So far I also have the desire to serve mainly because the materials that I have read the bible as well as some other materials about apostolic prophetic by [inaudible 14:34] . He really got me thinking about walking to eternity. He said you are walking to eternity now, because I used to think that if I die then I will go to heaven. No. You are on the way to heaven. So that is different. That actually makes me wake up and look around and see what am I doing with my life?

I decided to serve, really wanted to do something meaningful in life. In the mean time I am also studying in a bible seminary. It’s tough but I am enjoying. But it’s tough [laughter]. When I came to know of the work, my burden for my people grew as well. I never used to think so much about them. Just very thankful that God saved me. I just pray that I will be able to see many more come to faith.